We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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