She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Randomize
