Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
