bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I came so hard my ears popped.
Randomize
