We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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