chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Randomize
