Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
