i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
