Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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