My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Randomize
