Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
