Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
