Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I think I won the penis lottery.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
