i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
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