i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
