Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Randomize
