After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
