he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
