i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
