So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
