I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Randomize