i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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