I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
