I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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