whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize