Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
We need a shit load of segways right now
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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