hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize
