I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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