The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
