I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
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