I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
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