ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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