quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I think your dad took our porno
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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