dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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