I hate your face
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
