I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
it's like heaven, but drunker
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize