People with herpes should wear stickers.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
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