Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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