I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
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