Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
