haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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