I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
As shirtless as possible
My liver just had a heart attack.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
