Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
