I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
