According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Randomize
