she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
