update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
