I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
