that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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