Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Help. Why am I so naked?
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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