sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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