Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
it hurts more in the daytime
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Randomize
