one word: firstdatebathroomanal
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
