dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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